Ain't No Wedding Like a Strider-Harley Wedding
by Pyralspite
Summary: Karkat really fucking hates tuxedos


**Based off of a post I saw on tumblr**

* * *

====Be the angry dude.

There's a pretty good reason they call you the angry dude.

Your name is Karkat Vantas and if you don't get out of this formalwear store you swear to god you're going to punch a hole through the fucking wall.

You put on the final tuxedo, walking out of the changing stall to show Kanaya. She looks you up and down and nods appraisingly.

"That Looks Quite Good On You, But I Would Like You To Try These On," she says handing you a shitload of hangers with an outfit draping off each one.

You curse the day that Dave motherfucking Strider grew a pair and proposed to Jade. If they hadn't invited you to their fucking wedding, you wouldn't be going through this torture in the first place.

"Kanaya I don't fucking see why I should try this many on. The wedding's probably going to be a shitshow that takes place in the parking lot of some dilapidated old pizza place located in satan's asscrack with the priest dressed up as a goddamn clown or some similar shit,"

"Thut up and try on the goddamn clotheth KK," Sollux groans from the stall next to yours. You glare at him through the door.

"Why don't you come out here and let us see your tux bulgefucker,"

Sollux unlocks the stall slowly and walks out and good goddamn it should be illegal to make clothes like that. The guy who came up with that design should be arrested for being a menace to society.

Sollux is wearing a two piece gray tux with a bright yellow shirt and a neon yellow tie covered in little pink cuttlefish. His pants are covered with some type of yellow design near the hem, and his suspenders have tiny purple bees printed on them.

You look at Kanaya with your best 'what the fuck' face and she shrugs.

"I Did Not Pick It Out For Him,"

"Then who fucking did?" You turn to Sollux, quirking an eyebrow. He groans and rubs his temples.

"Fef, gave ith to me,"

Of fucking course. The asshole got himself stuck between a rock and a hard place, and you can't help but snicker slightly at his discomfort.

* * *

You look at the invitation in your hands for the umpteenth time, groaning slightly as the car gets closer and closer to the chapel where the wedding is being held. You tug at your red tie and Terezi slaps your hand, grinning manically. Kanaya glares at you from the rearview mirror.

"Karkat You Are Going To Ruin Your Tie If You Continue Tugging At It,"

"Fuck if I care. They're probably going to have it at some cheap ass place anyw-"

Your words die off in your throat as you look up at the chapel.

Holy motherfuck.

The entrance of the huge ass chapel is decorated with pristine red and white roses, arranged in tasteful patterns. There's a small sign right next to the door that says 'pick a seat' in fancy calligraphy.

This was definitely not what you expected the Strider-Harley wedding to look like.

You enter the chapel and it gets much, much worse.

It's set up like a traditional stuffy wedding, two rows of benches on either side, and a fuckton of flowers everywhere. The crystal chandelier above you tinkles like a thousand bells and for a moment you're unable to say anything because _oh my fuck this is just like one of your romcoms._

You sit down next to Terezi in the front row and shit around with your phone while you wait for everyone else to arrive. John nearly fucking flounces up to the front of the chapel, taking his spot as best man and grinning like an asshole.

"Hey Karkat!"

"Fuck off Egbert,"

You tug at your tie and shitroasting christ its hot in here, the AC must be broken or some shit.

"When the fuck is this thing going to start?" you ask Egbert. He smirks at you.

"Getting impatient eh?"

"Just answer the motherfucking question before I stick a rod up your arse,"

John tells you that the wedding in going to start in about twenty minutes or so. You scowl and go back to playing Tetris on your phone.

A few moments later, everyone shuffles to sit down as the pastor arrives and stands at the front. Bridal music begins to play from the piano, where John's ectomother or some shit is playing a wedding march. A mechanical rabbit marches up the aisle, throwing flower petals while a small robotic boy follows him, carrying two rings on a purple pillow.

"Yo dawg, lets get this wedding going," he says, bouncing ever so slightly on the springs located in his legs. You roll your eyes. Probably another one of Dave's Bro's weird creations.

You turn around and hear everyone give out a small gasp as a figure clad in white begins to walk up the aisle, her arm linked with Dave's Bro. The veil is completely obscuring her face and the back of her head, but you still think that Jade looks absofuckinglutely gorgeous in that satiny dress. She walks up to the front slowly, her train trailing behind her and her hand holding onto a beautiful bouquet of white lilacs.

Finally, she reaches the front and you notice that everyone is staring at her with a smile on his or her face and you come to the realization that you're smiling too. You wipe the grin off your face and don your signature scowl instead.

You're wondering where the fuck Dave is when suddenly, the bride begins to lift up her gauzy veil…..

To reveal Dave's face.

"What the bulgemunching fuck!" you hear yourself screech. He still has his dark glasses on, donning his signature bored expression. He shifts slightly, adjusting the straps of his dress.

Suddenly you hear a commotion as a man with long dark hair runs down the aisle to where Dave is standing and you realize its Jade fucking Harley in a tuxedo with a cummerbund and a tailcoat and a fake goddamn mustache and you feel yourself gape at them.

On the other hand, you really shouldn't have expected anything less from the Strider-Harley duo.

They exchange their vows and it's short and sweet and nope nope no your eyes are not watering, they're just sweating. Finally, you hear the lines.

"You may now kiss the bride,"

And then Jade motherfucking Harley rips off her mustache and fucking french dips lanky ass Strider, kissing him full on the lips. You're pretty sure you saw tongue.

Jade sweeps Dave up honeymoon style and runs down the aisle, cackling manically.

"WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS BITCHES!"

The door slams as they run out and for a while, nobody says anything as the whole hall shares a 'what the fuck' moment before shrugging their shoulders and proceeding on with things as usual.

You stand there confused as to what the fuck just happened while Terezi snickers at you.


End file.
